Every East/West Bowl Ever – Key & Peele
[intense music] – HI, EVERYBODY,
I’M DAVE STASSEN ALONGSIDE GEOFF WORTHING, AND WELCOME
TO THE ANNUAL EAST/WEST BOWL, AS WE GET READY TO WATCH
SOME OF THE BEST COLLEGE PLAYERS IN THE NATION SHOWCASE
THEIR SKILLS IN A CLASSIC SHOWDOWN BETWEEN EAST AND WEST. AND THERE REALLY
ARE SOME CHARACTERS ON THIS YEAR’S SQUADS,
AREN’T THERE, GEOFF? – THAT’S RIGHT, DAVE. IT DOES SEEM LIKE THE MOST
FLAMBOYANT PERSONALITIES CAME TO THE FOREFRONT,
AND THEY ARE HERE. LET’S MEET THE PLAYERS
FROM THE EAST. [rock music] – D’MARCUS WILLIUMS,
UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA. – T.J. JUCKSON,
WAYNE STATE UNIVERSITY. – T’VARIUSNESS KING,
MERRIMACK COLLEGE.
– TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE,
UNIVERSITY OF MIAMI. – D’SQUARIUS GREEN, JR.,
UNIVERSITY OF NOTRE DAME. – IBRAHIM MOIZOOS, UNIVERSITY
OF TENNESSEE AT CHATTANOOGA. – JACKMERIUS TACKTHERITRIX,
MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY. – D’ISIAH T. BILLINGS-CLYDE,
COASTAL CAROLINA UNIVERSITY. – [lisping]
D’JATHPER PROBINCRUX THE THIRD, THOUTH CAROLINA
THTATE UNIVERTHITY. – LEOZ MAXWELL JILLIUMZ,
EAST CAROLINA UNIVERSITY. – JAVARIS JAMAR JAVARISON-LAMAR,
UNIVERSITY OF MIDDLE TENNESSEE. – DAVOIN SHOWER-HANDEL, UNIVERSITY
OF SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI. – HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY,
PENN STATE UNIVERSITY. – L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT,
FLORIDA ATLANTIC UNIVERSITY.
– J’DINKALAGE MORGOONE,
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA. – XMUS JAXON FLAXON-WAXON, CALIFORNIA UNIVERSITY
OF PENNSYLVANIA. – WE’RE GOING TO BE LOOKING
FOR BIG PLAYS ALL GAME LONG FROM
TYROIL SMOOCHIE-WALLACE. – AND LET’S NOT FORGET
THE TIGHT ENDS, IBRAHIM MOIZOOS
AND HINGLE MCCRINGLEBERRY. THEY’VE BOTH
HAD AMAZING SEASONS. – THAT’S RIGHT, GEOFF. NOW LET’S MEET THE PLAYERS
FROM THE WEST. [rock music] – SAGGITARIUTT JEFFERSPIN,
TEXAS A & M. – D’GLESTER HARDUNKICHUD,
UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN. – SWIRVITHAN L’GOODLING-SPLATT,
SASKATCHEWAN UNIVERSITY. – QUATRO QUATRO, SAN JOSE
STATE UNIVERSITY. – OZAMATAZ BUCKSHANK,
STANFORD UNIVERSITY. – BEEZER TWELVE WASHINGBEARD,
JONES COLLEGE. – SHAKIRAQUAN T.G.I.F. CARTER,
UNIVERSITY OF NORTHERN ARIZONA. – X-WING @ ALICIOUSNESS, MISSOURI WESTERN
STATE UNIVERSITY.
– SEQUESTER GRUNDELPLITH, M.D.,
ADAMS STATE. – SCOISH VELOCIRAPTOR MALOISH,
SOUTH DAKOTA STATE UNIVERSITY. – T.J. A.J. R.J. BACKSLASHINFOURTH THE FIFTH,
ALBION COLLEGE. – [squeals]
SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY. – DONKEY TEETH,
BOISE STATE UNIVERSITY. – TORQUE… [jackhammer drilling]
LEWITH, NEVADA STATE… PENITENTIARY. – THE PLAYER FORMERLY KNOWN
AS MOUSECOP, UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI,
COLUMBIA. – DAN SMITH, BYU.
– I'M DAVE SASSON ALONGSIDE JEFF WORTHING, AND WELCOME TO THE 2013
EAST/WEST BOWL, WHERE WE'RE GOING TO BE WATCHING SOME OF THE BEST
COLLEGE ATHLETES IN THE NATION TRY TO PUT LAST YEAR'S
SPECTACLE TO SHAME. – THAT'S RIGHT, DAVE.
IT WON'T BE EASY, BUT THIS YEAR'S SENIORS
CERTAINLY WILL BE TRYING TO GIVE LAST YEAR'S STARS
A RUN FOR THEIR MONEY. LET'S CHECK OUT THE TEAMS, STARTING WITH THE PLAYERS
FROM THE EAST. [energetic rock music] – COZNESSTER SMIFF,
RUTGERS UNIVERSITY. – ELIPSES CORTER,
UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA. – NYQUILLUS DILLWAD, L.S.U. – BISMO FUNYUNS,
FLORIDA STATE UNIVERSITY. – DECATHOLAC MANGO,
GEORGIA TECH UNIVERSITY. – MERGATROID SKITTLE,
UNIVERSITY OF LOUISVILLE. – QUIZNATODD BIDNESS,
UNIVERSITY OF TENNESSEE. – D'PEZ POOPSIE, OLE MISS. – QUACKADILLY BLIP,
AUBURN UNIVERSITY. – GOOLIUS BOOZLER, THE "U." – BISQUITEEN TRISKET,
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.
– FARTRELL CLUGGINS,
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS. – BLYRONE BLASHINTON, SYRACUSE. – CARTOONS PLURAL,
VIRGINIA TECH. – JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE,
THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY. – FUDGE. – SOME OF THE BIG STORIES
THIS YEAR– THE METEORIC RISE
OF D'PEZ POOPSIE, AND LET'S NOT FORGET
ABOUT HEISMAN WINNER JAMMIE JAMMIE-JAMMIE. – AND REMEMBER, YOU CAN'T
TALK ABOUT 2013 WITHOUT BRINGING UP FUDGE.
EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT FUDGE. AT 350 POUNDS, THIS RUNNING BACK IS ALMOST
UNSTOPPABLE THE WHOLE YEAR. – YOU'RE RIGHT. I COULD TALK
ABOUT FUDGE ALL DAY. BUT FIRST, LET'S MEET
THE PLAYERS FROM THE WEST.
[energetic rock music] – EQUINE DUCKLINGS,
INDIANA UNIVERSITY, PURDUE UNIVERSITY,
INDIANAPOLIS. – DAHISTORIUS LAMYSTORIUS,
UTAH STATE UNIVERSITY. – EWOKONIAD SIGOURNETH
JUNIORSTEIN, OKLAHOMA STATE UNIVERSITY. – EQQSQUIZITINE BUBLE -SCHWINSLOW,
UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA. – HUKA'LAKANAKA
HAKANAKAHCCKALUCKA'HUKAHAKAFAKA, UNIVERSITY OF HAWAII. – KING PRINCE CHAMBERMAID,
BAYLOR UNIVERSITY. – LADENNIFER JADANISTON,
UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO. – LADADADALADADADADADA DALA -DADALADALADALADA,
UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA. – HARVARD UNIVERSITY,
DEVRY UNIVERSITY. – [imitating rapid beeping]
ARMY/NAVY SURPLUS STORE. – WINGDINGS, ONLINE CLASSES. – [distorted voice] FIRSTNAME
LASTNAME, COLLEGE UNIVERSITY. – GOD, HOMESCHOOL. – SQUEEEEEEEEEPS,
SANTA MONICA COLLEGE. – [British accent] BENEDICT
CUMBERBATCH, OXFORD UNIVERSITY. – A.A. RON BALAKAY,
MOREHOUSE COLLEGE. – HEY, JADINKALAGE?
– YEAH, L'CARPETRON? – CHECK OUT LEOZ. I WONDER
WHAT HE'S DREAMING ABOUT? – HE IS PROBABLY DREAMING
ABOUT WHAT WE IS GONNA DO
TO THE TEAM FROM THE WEST. – I WONDER.
– ♪ T'VARIUSNESS T-KING
FOR SHORT ♪ ♪ I'M A BAD MAMMA-JAMMA
AND AN AWFUL SPORT ♪ ♪ –
SMOOCHIE-WALLACE YOU CAN CALL ME TYROIL RAPPIN' UP RUSHES
LIKE ALUMINUM FOIL ♪ ♪ – MCCRINGLEBERRY
I'M VERY SCARY ♪ ♪ IF I GOT THE BALL
YOU BEST BE WARY ♪ ♪ – L'CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT
I LOVE THE BALL SO MUCH I WANNA MARRY IT ♪ all: ♪ 'CAUSE THE EASTERN SCHOOL'S GONNA BEAT THE FOOLS
FROM THE WEST ♪ – OH, YEAH.
all: ♪ WHERE FOOTBALL'S CONCERNED
WE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT WE ARE THE BEST ♪ ♪ – WE ARE THE BEST
– I'M IBRAHIM MOIZOOS ♪ ♪ AND MY RHYMES ARE CLEAN
LIKE MY NAME IS DR.
SEUSS ♪ ♪ – PROBINCRUZ III THEY CALL ME
"THE PROBE" I CAN INTERCEPT BALLS
WITH MY EARLOBE ♪ ♪ – SHOWER-HANDEL ♪ ♪ THAT'S MY NAME
POWER CANDLE SOUNDS THE SAME ♪ ♪ – WITH JACKMERIUS
– D'SQUARIUS ♪ ♪ – AND JAVARISON-LAMAR ♪ ♪ – FLACKAWAXA PLAYS SAX
AND D'MARCUS PLAYS GUITAR ♪ all: ♪ 'CAUSE THE EASTERN SCHOOL'S ♪ ♪ GONNA BEAT THE FOOLS
FROM THE WEST ♪ ♪ – OKAY DON'T YOU KNOW ♪ all: ♪ WHERE FOOTBALL'S CONCERNED
WE GONNA SHOW YOU THAT WE ARE THE BEST ♪ ♪ – INDEEDY,
WE ARE THE BEST ♪ – [gasps] IT MUST HAVE BEEN
ALL A DREAM. [gasps] OR WAS IT? – OH, IT'S ON. ♪ – WHAT'S UP,
Y'ALL IT'S JEFFERSPIN I'M THE BIG LEFT TACKLE
GONNA HELP US WIN ♪ ♪ – X-WING AT ALYSSIUSNESS ♪ ♪ I'LL USE MY FORCE
TO GIVE THE EAST DISTRESS ♪ ♪ – ALGERNON-SPLATTER'S
WHERE IT'S AT RUNNING ♪ ♪ THROUGH DEFENDERS
AND PADDING MY STATS ♪ ♪ – Y'ALL KNOW ME
I'M WASHINGBEARD CATCH SO MANY BALLS
IT'S A LITTLE WEIRD ♪ all: ♪ 'CAUSE YOU KNOW WE GONNA
WIN AGAINST THE EAST ♪ ♪ – LISTEN WHAT WE SAID
all: ♪ ♪ WE GONNA GET THE MOST POINTS
AND THEY GONNA GET THE LEAST ♪ ♪ – JUST TRYIN' TO CALM THE
VOICES RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD ♪ ♪ – BACK IT UP
IT'S HARDUNKACHUD ♪ ♪ I HIT THE Q.B.
AND MAKE
A NOISE LIKE THUD ♪ ♪ – CAN'T BLOCK ME
AND ALL OF THAT JAZZ 'CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T WANT
NONE OF THIS OZAMATAZZ ♪ ♪ – THE PLAYER…
– TJ AJ ♪ ♪ – FORMERLY KNOWN… ♪ – [screeches]
[construction noises] ♪ ♪ ♪ – LOUITH
– AS MOUSECOP ♪ ♪ – AND DONKEY TEETH – I'M THE TOUCHDOWN MAN
THAT'S GRUNDLEPLINTH BUT Y'ALL AIN'T READY
FOR MY MAN DAN SMITH ♪ ♪ –
YO YO SMITH COMMA DANIEL ♪ ♪ OTHER KICKERS IN THE LEAGUE
DON'T HOLD ♪ ♪ A CANDLE CHEERLEADERS
UP ON MY CHOCOLATE CROTCH ♪ ♪ THOSE GODDAMN BABY COCKER
SPANIEL B.Y.U. ♪ ♪ WHY YOU BE MAD ♪ ♪ 'CAUSE THE BITCHES
WANNA GET WITH ME GOT ♪ ♪ SWISHER SWEETS AND DUTCHIES
ROLLIN' ON NO OTHER TEAM ♪ ♪ CAN TOUCH
THESE HITTIN' FIELD GOALS ♪ ♪ BLUNTED BEEN DRUNK
WHEN I PUNTED BEEN ♪ ♪ LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES
THAT I ALREADY DONE IT ♪ ♪ OH, [bleep] SEE
THESE HATERS THOUGHT ♪ ♪ I WAS PLAYIN' STAYIN' AWAY
FROM MY FACES ♪ ♪ WITH ALL THE BULL[bleep] ♪ ♪ THEY SAYIN' BUT JUST REMEMBER
WHO YOU TAUNTIN' WHEN YOU TOSSIN' THOSE GAUNTLETS I'M DAN SMITH AND THE WEST
IS GETTIN' ROWDY LIKE MONSTERS
